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« Green Muscle Workout | Main | Justice Will Not Be Denied! »

May 15, 2007

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FC

More proof that using catnip may not be physically addicting, but it does reduce initiative and drive.

I see these cats grown and still living at home in five years with no job and no future.

Janet

LOL that was adorable :-)

Linda

Ah, but why would any good man want to clean the kitchen while dressed up in his best tux?

The "boys" sure are gorgeous!!!!

misti

I always leave a list of chores for my cats when I leave for work. Unfortunately they never unload the dishwasher or fold the laundry. Good for nothing's.

Nancy

LOL! I am sure they do talk like that. Better than listening to kids bicker.

Deana Clark

Too Funny! I can't get anything done around here because of mine either!

Rico

As Official Bargaining Agent for the International Brotherhood of Felines (Local 459), I take exception to your characterization of our members as "lazy" and the implication that there is dissention within our membership.

In a grievance filed today, both Percy and Zoey contend that they were asked to perform duties outside the specific terms of our Collective Agreement, which clearly states (Section 4, Subsection A. i and ii) that "All food droppings, crumbs, stains, and assorted grunge are to be left for lesser creatures (ie. dogs and/or humans) for disposal and/or licking up" and "All edible items are to be properly presented to our members via clean, attractive cat dishes or (preferably) by hand".

Furthermore, the characterization of the mandatory 16 hour nap period as evidence of laziness is a violation of the spirit of the agreement. Note that the 16 hour nap period is considered a minimum requirement for cat health and alertness.

It has also come to our attention that you are illegally pressuring our members into gardening duties, in violation of Section 7 (Subsection iv), which defines gardens as "... places for pooping and peeing and, if necessary, for rolling around in" and not, as management seems to believe, for the exploitation of feline labour.

Should management fail to meet its obligations under the terms of the Collective Agreement, our members have been instructed to work to rule. And spray inside the house. Threats of dismissal are not only a form of undue pressure, they are clearly outside the provisions of the sections of the Collective Agreement dealing with Job Security.

We hope you will abide by the Agreement and avoid any possibility of labour disruption.

Fraternally yours,
Rico
Official Bargaining Agent
International Brotherhood of Felines (Local 459)

kenju

Rico, that is hilarious! Laura, your part is too! But 16 hour naps? what pikers. My cats sleep 23 hrs. per day!

Laura

WHAT??!!!

I'm calling my lawyer. Just you wait, you over sized piece of blubber. Representative? How much are they paying you? For the record, WHAT are they paying you?

You tell Percy to remember this so-called "grievance" the next time he tries to slip his paw into my Jello pudding cup while I'm trying to watch TV. He just better not ask me to share ever again.

And tell Zoey the next time he waits until the garage door is 3/4 down and THEN decides to make a run for it, I will NOT race to stop and save his slow trotting, ambiguous self. I had the garage door fixed and he still tempts fate. Between us, I think he got hit in the head one too many times with the door in the first place.

As for the aforementioned "dissension," here's a known fact: 90% of the time, Zoey starts all the fights around here, and Buddy has to be called in to settle the score. My lawyer will gladly put Buddy on the stand as a star witness. He, Buddy, has the scars to prove it! His nose is covered with little cat scratches!

As for the naps... HA! I laugh in their faces! When is the last time I got a full night's sleep without a cat waking me up with salmon stench floating into my pores? Where is the feline appreciation for my state of health and alertness? Do you know how tired I am? Especially when I've been awakened at 2 in the morning by two pieces of blubber chasing each other across my bed? 12 years, I've put up with this!

As for "garden duties" may I remind your esteemed counsel that keeping the garden free from mice and citrus rats is part of the job description and I have a contract somewhere around here to prove it. In order to keep the rodents away, you must keep the lawn clean and also clear of clutter. A hose left lying around is clutter, therefore, should be put away per your job description.

Time and time again, I have been knocked over by you, Rico, as I attempt to weed or plant tomatoes to feed my starving children.

How often have I fallen into the dirt because your extra strong head has appeared out of nowhere and slammed into my knees, knocking me off balance? How often have I stood up to grab a rake, only to trip over you and fall into the pool?

By the way, when I tell you to put the hose away, I expect you to stand on your two back paws and roll it back up onto the hose holder. It is a small price to pay for the labor I have invested in cleaning up after your pouting little spray whizzer has let loose all over my new kitchen cabinets.

Please take this letter back to your grievance committee and remind them of two pertinent facts at large:
1) They are USA cats.
2) Therefore, they cannot be represented by Canadian counsel,
2a) especially when said counsel spells "labor" the Canadian way... ;)

Rico

Counsel has been retained and papers will be filed post-haste. This latest management outburst is egregiously aggressive, confrontational, and intolerable.

It IS true that the felines in question are represented by an International Union, but may I remind you that your organization is also international in nature with deep roots in Canada and is therefore subject to both American AND Canadian Labour Laws and, although this is scarcely relevant, Canadian (or as we like to call it, "correct") spelling.

First, to your outrageous claims of dereliction of duty regarding your garden hose: the hose in question is clearly faulty and in fact, represents a significant and serious danger to our members' safety. I invite you to examine the photo of said hose ( http://vitaminsea.typepad.com/vitaminsea/2007/05/muscle_workout.html ) and note the clearly visible kink directly above my paw. It was tripping over the kink that caused me to fall awkwardly and directly led to a painful workplace injury. OSHA has been contact and legal remedies are being pursued.

As for my "pouting little spray whizzer", it is a long-standing and untreated work-related disability that caused me to have occasional embarrassing incidents in the vicinity of your kitchen cabinets (which by the way, were not approved by our Workplace Safety and Health Committee and are in undisputed contravention of Article 9, Paragraph 4 (c) Subsection iii, which states "No changes to our nice, comfy, familiar environment may be inflicted on us without our express written consent". Your solution to this problem - summarily tossing me outside into the cold of a Florida night with no regard to rain, mosquitoes, passing cars and kids with slingshots - constitutes indefensible discrimination against felines with disabilities. No doubt a Feline Rights tribunal will set that right.

Your so-called "star witness" in the matter of the workplace assault allegations is a known drug user with track marks all over his body. I'm sure any jury will take one look at him licking himself on the stand and discard his evidence out of hand.

As for your precious Jello pudding cup, I'm sure the jury will see Percy's intervention as a sincere effort by a caring cat to protect you from yourself. And this is the first we've heard of your repeated assaults on Zoey, slamming the poor, defenceless cat with a giant mechanical door. Shame on you. No wonder he's twitchy and sometimes slurs his meows.

To the matter of the cats chasing one another across your bed: if you were more evolved, you would sleep in the daytime and be up and active at night. It is hardly my clients' responsibility to regulate your lazy habits. That they tried to wake you at a decent hour and put your daily rhythms right is to their credit - and your resentment of their kindness is an indictment against your entire species.

We will concede that, from time to time, we have gently nudged you in the garden - BUT extenuating circumstances pertain, to wit: each time you were tripped or knocked over it was because you failed to fulfill your proper role as custodian of our good health and happiness. As has been upheld time and time again in courts across America and around the world, humans exist solely to serve the needs of cats. Lacking opposable thumbs, we are unable to perform many basic functions (opening cans, opening doors, closing doors, opening doors again, closing doors again, opening doors again, etc.) and your persistent whining, complaining, and tardiness in serving our needs led to occasional reminders in the form of yowling and/or nudging, tripping, clawing, spraying, and other generally accepted cat practices.

In short, you have been derelict in your responsibilities. But our members are willing to forgive these lapses in judgment in exchange for certain concessions on your part:

1. All cats are allowed free and untrammeled access to the house at any time. If a door is closed, it will be opened on demand.

2. Immediate upgrade in kibble quality AND quantity. Our members are clearly undernourished, as evidenced by the fact that if you rub our tummies and feel around, you can often detect the hint of ribs in there somewhere.

3. Percy wants more pudding cups. Chocolate.

Failing an immediate favourable response, we will have no alternative but to stage wild cat strikes.

You are duly warned.

Regards
Rico
International Brotherhood of Felines
Local 459

Laura

All right, I've turned this last comment over to my lawyer to deal with, as I have to go to work. However, you should know that Buddy is furious at the implied defamation of character and plans to sue.

Your penalty, should he win in a court of blog, will be 60 days in the SPCA. I'm not sure if they'll put up with your pouty little spray whizzer as well as I have.

In addition, I trust you'll be taking the members of "Local 459, the International Brotherhood" to the slammer along with you... correct?

FC

Catfight!
rrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Rico

Our lawyers are rubbing their paws with glee at the thought of a defamation case initiated by your junkie yard dog. They will take great pleasure in carving him something new to sniff and lick.

The threat of jail time is just another management bullying tactic. It won't work - although Percy has confessed to feeling a little nervous about what happens to cats of his "delicate nature" in the slammer. The rest of us are in solidarity.

Now, go roll up the hose like a good human. And bring us some kibble. We're hungry.

Michelle

Oh my gosh. I love your pictures and posts in general. This made my day.

wordgirl

Geez. My cats won't even DISCUSS work...let alone do it. Lazy bastards.

CircusKelli

Oh! Oh! Oh! I'm with Percy. I'd like more chocolate pudding, too please.

Wild cat strikes? Pah-lease... What are they going to do? Even less work? How is that even possible? And how will they even hold the picketing signs without opposable thumbs?

Terri

If they ever figure out how to clean that kitchen, maybe they can speak to Marcel, Ralph and Foster for me. (Gorgeous cats you have!)
PS...I'm away awhile and return to a whole new look and redorating here....and I like it a lot. Well done!

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