This landed in my Inbox ths morning (Thanks Erin). I looked it up on Snopes, and for once, it's bonafide! While I don't get PMS as bad as all this, I've got to hand it to Wendi Aarons. She sets 'em straight and here's her rant:
An Open Letter to James Thatcher, Proctor and Gamble
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core™ or Dri-Weave™ absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?
As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."
Are you fucking kidding me?
What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness—actual smiling, laughing happiness—is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX
ROFL!! I love it!!!!!
Posted by: pam | September 26, 2007 at 09:59 AM
Clever.
Scary, but clever.
Posted by: FC | September 26, 2007 at 10:15 AM
Oh that should set off a spate of satanic services in the offices of P&G!!!
Posted by: Seamus | September 26, 2007 at 10:52 AM
Bwahahahaha! That's HYSTERICAL!
My favorite part: "For the love of God, pull your head out, man."
*oh, that reminds me, I'm out of Kahlua*
OH! As long as we're on this subject -- How long can PMS go on before it's considered just general bitchiness? Anyone?
Posted by: CircusKelli | September 26, 2007 at 12:47 PM
I don't know a man brave enough - or stupid enough - to even take a stab at answering CK's question. Maybe the folks at Proctor and Gamble can give it a shot.
Posted by: Nils | September 26, 2007 at 03:57 PM
O-M-G! I LOVE IT! Only wish that I had thought of that letter first..lol
Posted by: Sandy | September 26, 2007 at 04:32 PM
What a pissy and condesending thing to do...no one should buy their product.
Posted by: Deana | September 26, 2007 at 10:21 PM
Hahahahahhahaha.
Posted by: samantha | September 27, 2007 at 06:51 AM
Kelli, when the chocolate runs out, it's perfectly acceptable. ;)
Seamus, after reading this? I bet the male execs crossed their legs tightly.... very tightly. LOL
Posted by: Laura | September 27, 2007 at 11:43 AM
That is so untrue.
I do not wear capri pants.
Posted by: Bucky Four-Eyes | September 28, 2007 at 10:28 AM
This is the most "eloquently" written and true account of women's lives everywhere!
If he didn't get the point, I don't know who would!
Posted by: mandy | September 28, 2007 at 01:30 PM
I don't either, Bucky. It was wrong of her to attach a stereotypical label to known homicidal maniacs such as yoursel....er, "other" Americans.
Mandy, hopefully the stockholders. That reminds me, I should buy stock in this company now that profits are falling. Buy low, sell high, you know. THAT was Wendy's ultimate goal, I betcha.. ;)
Posted by: Laura | September 28, 2007 at 03:06 PM