And They Became Us

Tuesday night, I attended a band boosters meeting where the director of the band stood before the board and before the parents, and said that he didn't want to preach, but he had just been to the jazz and concert band performances put on by both the high school and middle school bands. 

And he wanted to talk about, of all things, etiquette.

He said he didn't want to point fingers at any specific group, but he asked that the parents take time to teach their kids a few things about etiquette, specifically where technology is concerned.
A mom in the audience, who had been at one of the concerts, spoke up, saying the middle school kids in the audience were horrendous, clicking away at their blackberries, texting on their cells, listening to their Ipods.

You would think they'd know when to turn them off, sit up and pay attention, and show respect, wouldn't you?

In my opinion, the kids are not totally to blame. Their parents taught them one thing and did another.
And all of us in society played a part, even those of us who didn't raise them.

Think about it.  Long before cell phones were invented, manners were a pretty basic part of child rearing.  Our parents taught us respect and consideration for other people, to say "please," and "thank you" and so on.  And most of us taught our kids the very same things.

But we failed when we reached that point of child rearing which states that when you're in conversation with another person, it's rude to interrupt them so that you can answer the cell phone and take the call.

Technology has changed the way we treat each other.  The cell phone means that when you're in the store grocery shopping, you can talk on the phone through the entire trip without even looking at anyone around you, and if your cart bumps into another cart, you can keep talking and just move along, without really acknowledging what just happened.  Rude?  Maybe, but you're on the phone so you can just wave it off.

You can take your groceries to the cash register and pay the bill with your debit card, and really, if you don't want to, you don't even have to talk to the cashier; because you're on the phone, after all, and if you simply nod, that's OK.  Human Interaction?  Really not necessary.

My friend, Nils has a story about a woman whose cell phone went off during a funeral, and she not only accepted the call, she continued to talk during the service.

How many of you have similar stories, of people who do these things in inappropriate places?  Maybe they texted while driving, and crashed the car, or texted during a wedding ceremony.  Maybe they missed the whole point of a meeting at work because they were reading emails on their Blackberry.

Well, all around us is a whole generation of kids, observing the same things we are.  They're taking in the message that it's ok to ignore the rest of society as long as one is on the phone.

Even with the technology to make things easier, we're still rushing, still trying to keep up the pace.  It's hard, when you have kids, jobs and a life to lead.  If the cell is supposed to help us connect with one another, why have we become so rude?

At the Chick-fil-A in Seminole, Florida, my personal bad cell phone experience happened one afternoon as Brittany and four of her friends proceeded to leave the restaurant, which meant going through two set of double doors made of glass.
Right behind us was another woman pushing her son through the group of girls.
Unaware of this, Britt and one of her girlfriends reached the first set of doors and held them open by leaning their backs against the doors so their other two girls could go through.
But the mom, on the phone, pushed her son ahead of the other two girls, opened the second set of doors and rushed ahead, allowing the doors to slam in the faces of the two girls moving behind her.

I jumped forward and grabbed the door just before it hit. As we got to the car, I gave the mom a look and said, "...excuse me?" 
And she turned to me and pointed to her phone and mouthed, "I'm busy, sorry."
She got in her car and drove away.
And in that one instant, she taught her son that it's ok to slam the door in another person's face if you think you're too busy to acknowledge them.

Wouldn't surprise me if her son was one of those to blame that night at the aforementioned band concert.

Some day that woman is going to be in her 70's or 80's and she might not be able to fly through the doors at the speed with which she did that day at the Chick-fil-A.
And she'll be lucky if a whole generation of adults in their 50's even know that it's courteous thing to hold the door open for her. 

The reason they won't know, is because we raised them that way. We told them one thing and we did another.  They grew up watching our generation ignore them as we talked on the phone when we picked them up from school instead of talking to them.  We stayed on the phone when we picked them up from soccer practice. And we yapped on the cell to someone else, all the way through the Wendy's take-out line because we didn't have time to sit down for dinner, and talk to our kids.

We talked and talked and never thought to hang up and turn to look them in the eye and show them by example how to show respect and consideration to another person, by simply talking... face to face.
  Or maybe we did, until our phone rang.

My hub and I happen to be one of those parents who like talking to our kids.  As a parent of teen-aged girls, I know it's hard to communicate when you have a teenager whose hormones are going into overdrive at the same time their mom is trying to figure out if she's going into peri-menopausal sludge, or if she's just plain tired.   I know that there are times when you pick them up from school and ask, "how was your day?"  and all they can do is mutter, "...fine"  and that's all you're gonna get!
But it never occurred to either of us to do anything but talk to them on the drive home.  To take advantage of those moments when we're together, simply because in the process of creating a family, we wanted them around us and we wanted to hear about their day, even if it made our stomach churn.
It bugs me when I see a parent in the car line at school, talking nonstop while the kids is sulking in the passenger seat.  Mostly because I see it too often, nearly every day.

And it bugs me when people use the phone excuse to avoid looking someone else in the eye. It says to me that they lack self-confidence in social situations, and in doing so, a whole generation is learning that they can be the same way.  They don't have to overcome it when they can use the cell as a crutch.  What social skills will that teach them in years to come, when they're running the world?

If we don't start showing manners to each other, how can we expect any more from them?

Comments

[Nils]

Brilliant, Laura. Just brilliant. Up and down, one of the best rants I've read on a subject that I consider to be VERY important.

Manners aren't just about making your grandmother feel good by not slurping your soup. Manners are a social contract. They are rules and guides to help us live in a society where we're all very different but share some common goals.

I think so much of what is wrong with society is an extension of the erosion of good manners. Some people find it hard to make the leap between our social malaise and things like incessant texting and voluntary isolation through iPods. I don't.

I think we have a generation (or even two) that is more and more disconnected. And as you say, we've not only allowed it to happen, we've actively encouraged it.

Electronic gadgets are a tool, nothing more. We've allowed them to be used as an escape hatch, a way for kids (and adults) to avoid recognizing one another as human, and important, and worthy of respect.

Funny. It used to be the phone company that was asking us to reach out and touch someone. We're only now seeing how important that is.

[William]

What an awesome post.

[pam]

Wonderful post!!!

[FC]

There's a generation of nonparenting parents out there right now.
I deal with their spawn everyday.

[Seamus]

We had to institute "Blackberry breaks" during long meeting at work. We lived by our cells and Blackberrys, but some just didn't get the concept to turn them off and let them go to voicemail during meetings (also a vital component to our work world)!
We were in a store recently, looking for last minute gifts and a woman was coming at us while talking on the phone (not looking up once) - she was on a collision course. I decided to just stand there and see what would happen and she just ran right into me and had the audacity to say, "Hey! Watch where you are going!" All I can say is she's lucky to still be of this planet! I'm pretty much live and let live, but Judas on a pogo stick, some folks are simply rude with their electronics.

[Carolyn]

VERY well said Laura!

One of my pet peeves is a friend that often calls our house on his landline phone. Within seconds of us answering, HIS cell will ring and he will take the call. We have to stand there and listen to him talk to someone else. Then he'll finally get back on with us and ask what we wanted. We're like, "hey, YOU called US pal!" LOL! It's funny.. then again..

[kenju]

Right ON! I wish every one took that to heart and taught their kids not to!

[Old Horsetail Snake]

Peachy keen, young lady.

[Deana]

I get so disgusted with people and their precious cells lately. Some chatters have held me up in retail lines because they are too busy talking to be rung up...others have almost hit me this shopping season chatting in the parking lot driving and not paying attention. I think if people knew how silly they really look taking a call at a funeral (or wedding) how utterly pathetic and small it makes them look as a human being, then they wouldn't do it.

I am starting to really dislike cells...I try to have very good manners with mine. But you are sooo right...parents have to teach manners.

And I adore your banner!

[mom]

excellent post. I am proud of you.

[Janet]

I was at the movies in a theater in MD over the weekend. The teen couple next to us kept texting during the movie (Golden Compass). It's annoying because the light is distracting! Well...the man on the other side of them flipped OUT about 5 minutes before the end of the movie. He yelled at them at the top of his lungs and said he was going to get the manager. As he went to stomp off...he stomped right on my friend's foot...my friend who's a skater and had to skate at 530 am the next morning. So texting is dangerous cause apparently it causes people to freak the hell out!

[Terri]

It's SO refreshing in this day and age to see a mom that's truly a mom and has HER head on straight.
Bravo to you, Laura. You said it all here. And I have to tell ya, it makes me feel good to know there ARE still a few moms today that are teaching their children the right things in life. My daughter is also one of them and I say good for both of you.
In light of the recent Jaime Lynn Spears disaster.....ALL the more kudos to you!
And I wanted to wish you and your family a VERY Merry Christmas, Laura. Enjoy this very special season.

[Sammie]

"You can take your groceries to the cash register and pay the bill with your debit card, and really, if you don't want to, you don't even have to talk to the cashier; because you're on the phone, after all, and if you simply nod, that's OK. Human Interaction? Really not necessary."

I HATE it when people do that. At the store where I work, you have to have a shopper's card to get the savings, well people are jabbering away on the phone, completely ignoring the fact that I asked them for theircard like 5 times. They wait until AFTER theyve paid to end their phone call and then proceed to complain that they didnt get their discounts.. hmm I WONDER why?

Saaame thing at the restaurant, you're waiting to take their order and the person on the phone cant say hold on for 2 seconds to tell me what they want to eat.

blahhhh people.

:)